I would very much like to go home now, if it's all the same to you.

Before I hurt someone, or I loose my marbles.


Because no matter how hard I bloody well try theres a fucking huge chance it will never be enough. And I just don't know how to deal with that.

I'm not depressed again, and I refuse to end up there. I just don't know what to do when my whole life has always revolved around meeting and exceeding peoples expectations of me. I always go that extra step. I put in that little bit of extra effort. I aim to please.

What if I can't ever go that extra step? If every time I try I get rebuked?

What if I don't know how to prove myself to you?

Why do I even feel like I need to now?

I understand absolutley everything you said, and I think that's what hurts more. I can see where you're coming from entirely.
But I would give up everything. Everything I have worked so hard for. Everything I have. Just to be with you. I would love you, entirely, until the day I die.

Screw that.

I already will love you until the day I die.

I'd go out of my way to make you smile every morning. To make it that little bit more bearable to get out of bed.

I'd hold you when you cried. And dance with you when you celebrated.

I'd back off when you needed space, but I'd be there anytime you needed me.

...

I can't make you want that. I get it, and I know why you would want the life he's offering you. Or maybe even a completely different life.
And I know it's hard for you to decide, and that you need space and time.


Look, you already know I'll still be here, regardless of what you decide. And it kills me a little to know that the fact you know that might push you in the other direction.
You know you won't loose either of us entirely that way.
The other way you could loose us both.

Except you won't loose me, ever. I promised that. I re-promise it now.

I love you too god damned much to ever just walk away.


I just hope if you choose him, he doesn't let you down. If he loves you even a quarter of how much I love you he won't.

*sigh*


whats the chances that I'll delete this before you read it?

Kay xxx

Alanis Morissette - You owe me nothing in return.

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return