Monday, 23 February 2009


I can't even write at the moment. I've lost all inclination to do anything of any use.

I need a hug and a slap.

Kay xxx

Friday, 20 February 2009

Forcing our darkest souls to unfold

My hand drops limply to my side as the gun comes loose from my fingers.

It hits the stone floor with a crash that echoes off the walls yet it all seems like background noise to me.

Even Charlotte’s voice, my usual point of focus, the one thing that can usually snap me back to reality seems distant now.

I know her hands are on my shoulders, but I can’t feel them.

I know she’s moving me, for I can sense the air rushing past my ears, but I know not where I am going.

My eyes close and I feel it, but I cannot tell the difference between the darkness in front of my face and the darkness in my mind.

The room feels like its turning circles and I begin to spin with it.

Faster and faster we spin, until I feel something hard connect with my head.

Then I feel no more.

Cut + Paste

I'm going to use some of the stanza's I've already written and pull them together into *hopefully* something decent. I'll be using this blog for that for a while, so please, if you wish to follow my 'actual' life, head over to here :- http://www.Writing.Com/authors/kay_e/blog

That one will continue to be updated regularly :-)

The story I'm hoping to build here will of course be Lesbian, but I'm hoping to keep it reasonably smut free. That doesn't mean I'll avoid sex. I just don't want that to be all it is.

If you're looking for smut, this is the place for you :-

All blogs are likely to recieve a hell of alot of editing, as and when I can be arsed. Until then, deal with it.

Kay xxx

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

The thrill of the chase

Trying to decide if I can get away with stealing another of Pia's wonderful ideas.

I want to start an Erotica blog, much like her Man Smut one. Except obviously with Lesbian stuff.

Pia - Can I steal your idea?

Kay xxx

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Kiss Kiss

i can't be bothered to blog properly today. I might do some FtL later if I find the enthusiasm. But at the moment there is none.
Too much stress at home.
Too much Money related stress by far.

I fucking hate money.

But I paid the goddamned electric bill, so shut the fuck up and leave her the hell alone.

I am not the right person to fuck with today. If you think Zowie is bad when she's pissed, you haven't seen anything.

Blanking me completely is not going to solve anything. It's immature and only serves to prove to me that you are too much of a child to have a decent civilised conversation about anything important.

Shouting will not get the bills paid.
Shouting will get you a smack in the face.
From me.

Kay xxx

Monday, 16 February 2009


Check it out, this dog can climb tree's!

Friday, 13 February 2009

Awwwww /grin

Pretty Roses, Thank you Pixie :-) I love you :)

I know it's a day early... I have a feeling she wanted to get some sort of revenge on me after I sent her flowers to work ;-)

Apparently there is more to come.

I'm scared!

Anyway, so it's been a mental busy day today. Still no luck with my Bank. I'm getting pretty fucking sick of them now. I'll keep trying of course, but I want to hurt them all now. I need to get to my money! I need to give Zowie money for Bills, and I need to pay for our Damned holiday! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Not to mention I need to make a start on the Car if we're every going to be ready to go in April.

The publishers are now requesting I have a guarantor before they pay me, because I'm young and stupid, apparently. And I might just run off with the money and not do the work they are paying me for.

Well that would be stupid, because the WHOLE FUCKING POINT is that I want to be published. I don't really care that much about the money, except for the fact that it will help me buy our Pick up truck. And go on holiday, of course.

Asking for a guarantor is fine. Really it is. Except the only person who I can think of who fits the criteria is my mum. And she's on holiday in Thailand till next thursday.

So it looks like I'm waiting around for a while yet.

I know I'm complaining alot and I shouldn't be. I should be fucking grateful that I'm going to be published, when I know so many amazing authors who haven't been yet. But I just with they'd set it all out straight with me to start with. If they'd just told me everything I needed back in January, I could have had this all sorted AGES ago.

I think, however, I have every right to be really fucking pissed off with my bank.

Anyway, I've got to get back to saving our company from eventual liquidation. I am Super-Kay Saver of the Bacs software market - Armed with an array of stock options and pretty lies.
Oh, and I can see into the future of the financial section too.
My advice is to top yourself now, Mr MD, it's only going to get worse.

Robin! To the Kaymobile!!!!

Nanananananana...NA NA!!

Later! :-D

Kay xxx

Wednesday, 11 February 2009





The sunlight streamed through the open window, reflecting off the polished edge of the kettle as Cara absentmindedly swung it off the stove. In her other hand, crumpled at the corners, was a letter, headed with red felt and gold-leaf. They swirled together forming regent looking words that read ‘Montgomery Grammar’.

“Tor…” She muttered his name under her breath, not daring to look up at him, lest he see the tears in her eyes.

“You know I don’t think we can afford to keep paying this…”

Even without watching him, Cara could feel his face drop.

“But mum…you said work were giving you more money! I thought you said we’d be okay for school this year.”

“I know!” She paused and took a deep breath, not wanting to get angry at Tor for something that was not his fault. She had promised, he was right.

“Baby, I know I did, but these prices are getting steeper every term…” She looked up at him then, surprised to find his eye’s still hopeful. She smiled.

“Tell you what, why don’t you finish your toast and get off to school? I’ll find a way to sort this.’

She threw the piece of paper on the kitchen side and walked to the table, kettle still in hand. Tor grinned at her then, his lopey fringe catching in his eyes. He looked so much like his dad when he smiled like that, but Cara had stopped telling him so years back.
Those kinds of memories were still painful, even all this time after.

Still, his bright blue eyes and cheeky smile couldn’t help but cheer her up, and she was glad of it
this morning. She didn’t dare tell Tor that she had lost her job only yesterday.
The recession had finally hit their everyday lives but his fragile 13 year old mind couldn’t handle the implications.

She ran through her plans for the day as she poured herself a cup of tea, watching Tor decimate a whole stack of toast.
First of all, the bank. She’d never been in bad debt before, and wanted to avoid it if possible. Then the job centre. Then the school, to request an extension on Tor’s tutor fees.

More later.

Now I must smoke.


Tuesday, 10 February 2009

I would very much like to go home now, if it's all the same to you.

Before I hurt someone, or I loose my marbles.

Because no matter how hard I bloody well try theres a fucking huge chance it will never be enough. And I just don't know how to deal with that.

I'm not depressed again, and I refuse to end up there. I just don't know what to do when my whole life has always revolved around meeting and exceeding peoples expectations of me. I always go that extra step. I put in that little bit of extra effort. I aim to please.

What if I can't ever go that extra step? If every time I try I get rebuked?

What if I don't know how to prove myself to you?

Why do I even feel like I need to now?

I understand absolutley everything you said, and I think that's what hurts more. I can see where you're coming from entirely.
But I would give up everything. Everything I have worked so hard for. Everything I have. Just to be with you. I would love you, entirely, until the day I die.

Screw that.

I already will love you until the day I die.

I'd go out of my way to make you smile every morning. To make it that little bit more bearable to get out of bed.

I'd hold you when you cried. And dance with you when you celebrated.

I'd back off when you needed space, but I'd be there anytime you needed me.


I can't make you want that. I get it, and I know why you would want the life he's offering you. Or maybe even a completely different life.
And I know it's hard for you to decide, and that you need space and time.

Look, you already know I'll still be here, regardless of what you decide. And it kills me a little to know that the fact you know that might push you in the other direction.
You know you won't loose either of us entirely that way.
The other way you could loose us both.

Except you won't loose me, ever. I promised that. I re-promise it now.

I love you too god damned much to ever just walk away.

I just hope if you choose him, he doesn't let you down. If he loves you even a quarter of how much I love you he won't.


whats the chances that I'll delete this before you read it?

Kay xxx

Alanis Morissette - You owe me nothing in return.

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Monday, 9 February 2009

Fuck Yes.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Exactly :-)

Kay xxx

Being born on a cusp


I've been looking into my birthdate. I was born at the end of March, only a couple of days into the Aries sign. I was also almost a week late. I should have been Pisces.

I've always quite liked being Aries, and for the most part it suits me. But I always wondered why I'm less stubborn, and a lot more patient than my arien counterparts.
Read this.

Pisces - Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.

patient. malleable. that's a little more like it these days.

and here...

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art.

Not wanting to be big-headed, because I always wanted to be creatively brilliant, but never thought I was. But now I'm getting published...I dunno....

Oh, and it explains my muse ;-)

may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves, "Whispered beyond the misted curtains, screening this world from that."

Thinking about it now, I seem to be growing up into a Pisces. I just never want to become subserviant, which most pisces are...

Meh. Makes for an interesting mix I guess... So long as I continue to fuck like an Aries :D

Kay xxx

Friday, 6 February 2009

Being an Aries

Decided I would read up on my star-sign a little, and see how much relates. Lets see...

Good bits -

Adventurous and energetic - Yeah...I like this one, although I'm not sure about energetic.

Pioneering and courageous - Pioneering? Okay....

Enthusiastic and confident - I'll give you that one. I am enthusiastic. Not so confident though.

Dynamic and quick-witted - My personal fav :-D I like to think I'm quick-witted :-P

Bad bits -

Selfish and quick-tempered - I am selfish sometimes, but who isn't? I'm not quick-tempered anymore though.

Impulsive and impatient - Impulsive, definately. I'm not impatient though. Good things come to those who wait ;-)

Foolhardy and daredevil - Foolhardy? Perhaps. Definately a daredevil, but is that a bad thing?

Other bits -

Aries subjects are courageous leaders with a genuine concern for those they command, being responsible people, it is rare that they will use their subordinates to obtain their own objectives as leaders, but occasionally it does happen. They do not make very good followers because they are too "take charge". - Yeah. I get that alot. I always have to be in control.

In your personal relationships Arians are frank, direct and candid, and make enthusiastic and generous friends. You are liable to have a high sex drive and make passionate but fastidious lovers. - Hell yeah!! :-D

Arians are highly devoted to their children, even to the point of laying down their own lives, so that they might live. You will not find a more defensive and loving parent in all the zodiac. - I'm already like this with my brothers, god knows what I'll be like with my own children!

Much as you are the Ram, there is still the little lamb in you, which means that at times you would attain your goals more easily by gently giving in without resistance to the demands of a given social situation, rather than getting your horns entangled in something larger and more powerful than yourself. This is a talent akin to knowing the difference between what you can change, and what you cannot. This of course takes patience, the acquiring of which is definitely your greatest achievement, along with your sense of your own inner softness. - Wow. Well I developed patience recently, does that mean that I've already acheived the greatest thing I ever will? That's a little dissapointing at only 20 :-P


Kay xxx

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Please submit to your Managing Director upon completion

That's not too difficult a request is it? Huh? Huh? HUH????

/crazed look

Work people stress me the fuck out sometimes. Do I look like an MD to you? Really? I barely look like I have a job most of the time!!!!!

*Looks down at trainers, throw-over shirt and hooded jacket and messy hair*

I look like some butch dyke they pulled in off the street!

Okay, yes I am a manager. I worked fucking hard for it, but I am still on the bottom rung of the management team. I am not authorised to sign off this shit. Nor do I actually want to.

On the plus side, I might be getting a work-ex kid in my dept. for the next week or two. That would be awesome. I could use a gopher :D

Work Rant over. Enjoy your day!

Kay xxx

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

I promised!

Look, I'm uploading pictures of my personal life that no-one gives a shit about! I am officially your adverage blogspot blogger!

Anyway, Really, I just wanted to show you how beautiful it was :-D


Me! In the Snow!

Pixie in the snow! Looking impressed :-P

Pixie's Dog Raz - He liked eating the snow.

Our Snowmen :-D

Jess and Danny having a snowball fight!

I'm off to do more work now :-(

Kay xxx

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Snow and Pixies


Wow wellt he last few days have been insane. We've got a few foot of snow here, which has meant no internet, no work, practically nothing but our little household.

It's been nice. At the moment in our house there's me and pixie, and a couple, Jess and Danny. The four of us spent most of the day out in the forest behind the hourse building snowmen and having snowball fights.
Then Pixie made the most delicious home-made Chicken and asparagus pie... And we all sat down and chilled together. Very dysfunctional family, but it was nice.

Now. To plug!

Pixie has entered the world of blogging. She's following my blog now, so go and make her feel welcome :-P

She's managed to get into work today, only because her boss came to pick her up, which she is understandably unhappy about. I might try and get in later, if only for some high speed broadband use.

As for WDC, I'm sorry! This internet is too slow for me to get on, and my membership expired over the fucking weekend. I am not paying for it until I get my internet access back, so you'll have to live without me there for another few hours / maybe till tomorrow.

Take care guys, hope the weathers nice accross the pond. I might upload shitty family photo's later, if your lucky ;)

Kay xxx